Total Drama Playground
by Balin Lord of Moria
Summary: Chris McLean brings back eighteen popular TD and TRR contestants for the chance to win another small fortune by playing with, and getting abused by, toys and games. Rated T to be safe.
1. Slink 'n Stink, Part 1

**Disclaimer:** I do not own _Total Drama, The Ridonculous Race_ , or any of their characters. They belong to Teletoon and Fresh TV. The toys played with in this story are mostly based on toys talked about in a non-fiction book called, _TOYS! Amazing Stories Behind Some Great Inventions_ , by Don Wulffson.

* * *

Chris McLean: "Yo! After a bit of a hiatus from the show, Total Drama is back once again, and some oldies but (so-called) goodies are coming back again, with the intention of winning one million dollars! Campers from all three generations of Total Drama so far will be participating, and to please those of you who enjoyed The Ridonculous Race, some former racers will be in the game, as well. But this time, things are going to be a little genre themed, like in Total Drama Action. Oh, how I miss that season! This season, we will be playing around here in this outdoor playground, as well as in several indoor game rooms nearby, with… wait for it… TOYS AND GAMES! That's right, our contestants are going to go back to their childhoods and have a little real fun for a change. Of course, that doesn't mean things won't be fun for me and you. No, sir! I'll be including plenty of creative ways to make sure the toys and games bite back at their handlers in funny ways! And now, I can see our contestants arriving here, right on the dot for once. Let's all welcome them back, for another season of Total… Drama… Playground!"

 **(Theme song plays: Shows hidden cameras popping out everywhere, and Chris McLean selling toys at a counter in a toy store. Owen is seen sitting among numerous presents, opening them eagerly and discovering great toys. Cameron is blown away by a gust of wind and his kite. Samey plays with a stuffed teddy bear, until Amy snatches it from her and tears off parts of it, and Samey cries. Junior wins a game of Twister against DJ and Spud, and Taylor carelessly throws away her favorite doll. Kitty catches the doll and glares at Taylor's back. Duncan frowns at a piece of Play-Doh and throws it. It hits Jay, and he promptly sneezes. Chef Hatchet notices and hands Jay a handkerchief, which is covered in Chef's own mucus. Ellody examines a Pokédex. Sam loses a video game to Lindsay, and Lindsay cheers while Sam cries. Rodney goes hopping around on a pogo stick cheerfully, while Courtney watches with disapproval. Finally, Beth and Zoey are shown sitting on a couch, hosting the Total Drama Playground Aftermath show and enjoying quality time with Mr. Whiskers (Beth's animal friend from Total Drama Action). The camera pans back to reveal the campers, plus some non-participating contestants, sitting nearby and whistling, as the title of Total Drama Playground is shown.)**

* * *

 **Episode 1: Slink 'n Stink, Part 1**

Chris: "Here they come now. Our campers, some of them returning for the nth time! Hi, Lindsay!"

Lindsay: "Hi! Great to see you again, Christian!" She hugs him.

Chris: "Okay, I can tell you guys don't really mean affection like that, so stop it."

Lindsay: "I mean it, Christine. I like you!"

Chris: "Okay, if you're gonna call me a girl's name, I could have you shipped back to where you came from."

Lindsay: "Oh! Sorry, Chris."

Chris: "That's better. Ah! Nice to see you again, twins!"

Samey: "Uh, yeah, I guess. I intend to do better this time, and Amy's not gonna interfere with me. Right, Amy?"

Amy: "You know me better than that, Samey. You beat me last time, and I don't intend to let that happen again. And don't even think of standing in my way!"

Samey: "It's Sammy! And you don't deserve to beat me! We're cheerleaders, but I do all the cheering. You're more like the Ice Dancers from The Ridonculous Race-!"

Chris: "Uh, technically, isn't that one of the things Total Drama is about, Samey?"

Samey: "Well, yeah, but-"

Chris: "I rest my case. Hello there, Ellody! Interesting to see somebody whose I.Q. can actually rival my own!"

Ellody: "If you want, I can teach you some things about advanced geometry, or maybe algebra-"

Chris: "All right! When I want a math lesson, I can go back to middle school, okay?"

Ellody: "Wh-whatever. Touchy man."

Lindsay: "What's geometry?"

Ellody: "It's an advanced form of math which can help sharpen a person's mind so she or he can solve complex problems better."

Lindsay: "Oh. Okay." She grins.

Chris: "Here come some more not-so-happy campers, or at least soon to be!"

Cameron: "Hey! I've always loved playgrounds! Too bad my bubble always prevented me from being able to monkey around on the monkey bars and play catch with other kids."

Kitty: "Aw, such a cute little place! All it needs is a litter of kittens and a mechanical bull, and we're rolling!"

Chris: "Oh, you'd be amazed, Kitty, at what sorts of things the producers, Chef, and I have done with this place (chortles)!"

Duncan: "All right, man, this really bites big time! I'm a punk teen. I don't do toys anymore! You hear me, Chris?"

Chris: "Yeah, I heard you, Duncan. Now please join the others standing over there." He points to where the group is standing.

Duncan: (Sighs and scowls).

Taylor: "As much as I don't like you, juvie boy, I'm with you on this one. Toys are for babies, and they're all expendable."

Duncan: "What I meant is that all toys are just plain stupid, you brat!"

Taylor: "So? What I said was very similar. Wait a minute! Who're you calling a brat?!"

Duncan: "You!"

Taylor and Duncan do a glaring contest.

Chris: "Okay, enough! Save the drama for when the show is really underway! That's when our viewers really like to see the blood, sweat and tears."

Courtney: "Yeah, miss 'I-get-everything-I-want.' Stay away from the most gross and annoying boy I know, my first boyfriend!"

Taylor: "Look who's talking! You're pretty selfish yourself. Pun intended! (Narrows her eyes)"

Duncan: "Courtney, I wish you'd stop standing up for me. Every time you do, it's like you're gonna drive me crazy!"

Chris: "Yeah, we all know what that's like, don't we?"

Courtney: "Shut up, Chris!"

Rodney: "Uh, hello there, Mr. McLean! Great to be back again!"

Chris: "Yeah, nice to see you again, too, Big Boy Rodney."

Rodney: (Walks up to Ellody) "Wow! You sure are… uh… pretty, young lady. I l-l-like your glasses."

Ellody: "Uh, thanks. I use them to see better, because I'm nearsighted, and to make myself look a little smarter."

Rodney: "Amazing! What are you, uh… doing later tonight? I'd like to go through your layouts, or somethin'."

Ellody: "I think I'm just going to walk over to the other side of the crowd, if that's okay." She walks over to the other side of the growing number of campers.

Rodney: (Pouts)

Chris: "Here comes Total Drama's favorite party animal! Owen!"

Owen: "Sweet Marie! It's great to be back in the game again! Come 'ere, Chris!" He gives Chris a bear hug.

Chris: "Hnnnggghh! Okay! I get it, Owen, you've never lost your enthusiasm for playing in reality shows! Now stand over there with the others."

Owen: "I hear we're playing with toys this season. It'll be great getting reacquainted with my favorite childhood playthings!"

Chris: "Actually, Owen, most of the toys, though not necessarily all, will be provided by me and Chef, and that toy store over there." He points to a toy store not far from the playground.

Owen: "Oh. I'm not worried. I can play with anything!"

Duncan: "Like you can eat anything, tubby?"

Owen: "Yeah, exactly!"

Chris: "Welcome to the game of Total Drama Playground, Spud."

Spud: (Stands and stares without a response.)

Chris: (Waits impatiently, but finally gives up.) "All right, rocker, I get it! Just get over there and continue not to say anything!"

Spud: (Walks over to the campers.)

Chris: "Ah, yes. Here comes our little farm girl, Beth!"

Spud: "Thanks, man!" (Grins)

Chris: (Glares at Spud.) "You had your chance to earn my respect before, but now it's too late, so shut it. Anyway, Beth, how's things down on the farm?"

Beth: "Mr. Whiskers tried to eat my pet pig, Bertha."

Chris: "Okay, you know what? I don't think even Total Drama is the appropriate place to talk about dog-eats-dog literally."

Beth: "Technically, they're a raccoon and a pig."

Chris: "You seriously think I'm interested in that, Beth?"

Beth: "Um, I guess not?"

Chris: "Correct. But now, let's continue to welcome more campers! Here comes another familiar big guy, and a couple of less familiar little guys!"

DJ: "Great to be back again! I just hope we're not doing any more scary challenges this time."

Chris: "Oh, it won't be as scary as in previous seasons, DJ!" (Aside to camera) "Of course, 'as scary' is a metaphorical term, you know!" (Winks)

Jay: "Man, I hope none of these toys are anything I'm allergic to. I couldn't bear to lose because of my allergies!"

Chris: "Yeah. Your parents warned us about that. Well, we'll keep that in mind. It can't hurt your chances at winning."

Jay: "Whew!"

Junior: "Wow! It's great to be here! I can't wait to play the fun games at this place; although, I hope that not too many of them are too childish. I'm becoming a little man, after all."

Chris: "You'll find out eventually, Junior. You know, normally I don't let people below the age of sixteen participate in this show. But I made an exception this time, 'cause I thought the fun and games would be right up your alley."

Junior: "Great! Thanks, Mr. McLean!"

Duncan: "Oh sure, that shrimp gets preferential treatment, but I, a kid who wrecks and hacks stuff for a living, have to be involved, too? A season like this fits Gwen better than me!"

Chris: "Yeah, we thought of that. But unfortunately, Gwen convinced her family to force me to rescind her Total Drama contract after the last All-Stars season. Apparently, she hates me and this show so much, she'd sooner sink to the bottom of the ocean and implode than come here ever again. Of course, maybe the producers can change that someday. Maybe." (Grins)

Ellody: "Is anybody left?"

Chris: "Just a couple more. Ah, here they are now! Sam, our video game pro, and Zoey, resident nice girl!"

Sam: "Hi guys! What's the name of the game?"

Chris: "Total Drama Playground. Have you already forgotten, dum dum?"

Sam: "Sorry."

Zoey: "You really should stop being so mean, Chris. Some people think you're not even human, for gosh's sake!"

Chris: "Yeah, I get that a lot. But it's not like I care all that much, Zoey. That's the reality of being a reality TV show host, isn't it? Drama and conflict are part of the game, right?"

Zoey: "It still doesn't feel right."

Chris: "Save the psycho analysis, flower girl! I'm never in the mood for it!"

Courtney: "And we're never in the mood for psychos like McLean and Hatchet to treat us like toads!"

Ellody: "I think the word for it is, Chris McLean is 'sub-human', from what I've heard."

Chris: (Puts his hands over his ears and tries to ignore them.) "Let's get on with it! Now that everyone's arrived, it's time to form your teams. Listen as I call your names, and stand where I tell you to, and I'll announce the name of your team. Sam, Rodney, Ellody, Duncan, Spud, Amy, Kitty, Taylor, and Cameron. Come over here. (Gestures to his left hand side.) You are now going to be known as… the Raving Gamers!" (Tosses to Spud a flag with a typical Total Drama circle emblem on it, this one showing a PlayStation/Xbox style remote control.

Spud: "Awesome, dude! We're all Gamers!"

Ellody: "Sounds like a great name for a genius like me!"

Sam: "I LOVE IT! GAME ON!"

Chris: "And now, for the rest of the campers. Zoey, Lindsay, Courtney, Owen, Jay, DJ, Beth, Samey, and Junior, come over here." (Gestures to his right hand side.) From here on, you are going to be called… the Drama Queens!" (Tosses to Owen a flag with a TD emblem displaying building blocks.)

Owen: "Sweet! I'm a Drama Queen!" (Pauses as everyone looks at him pointedly.) "I didn't mean it that way! Oh, man, how clumsy can I be?" (Facepalms)

Jay: "Chris, am I a Drama Queen because I'm effeminate?"

Chris: "Maybe, maybe not."

Taylor: "I'd say he is. He sure is lame enough."

Kitty: (Slaps Taylor twice) "Stop putting down the Adversity Twins, Taylor! They don't deserve it!"

Taylor: (Rubs cheeks) "I say they do!"

Chris: "I say you all do. You've never been grateful to be on my lovable show, and-"

Courtney: "Go screw yourself, Chris! You're nothing but a pig and a bully!" (Chef suddenly grabs her from behind) "Ah! Put me down, you beast!"

Chef: "I expected more out of you, soldier."

Chris: "That's right, campers. Let Courtney be an example of what happens when you talk back to the Host with the Most."

(Everybody glowers down Chris, even Owen, Jay and Junior.)

Chris: (Stammers, then sighs) "Okay, fine! I'll lay off the attitude for a little while. But only a little while. But for now, let's stop arguing. It's time for your first challenge, and time to see which of the two new teams will prevail first, and which will flunk first."

(Chris takes them inside the toy store and produces a toy that all of them recognize from one time or another. Junior, Jay and Owen look excited. Taylor and Duncan look exasperated.)

Chris: "As I believe all of you know, this is a Slinky. Now it may not seem like you can do much exciting with it, or treacherous, on a reality show. But the producers and I have thought of a clever way to let you have fun with it, while at the same time, giving you a taste of the latest Total Drama torture we've thought of. Come outside with me, and I'll show you."

(They walk outside, and Chris leads them to a very steep hill on an old, mostly abandoned road, and gestures for them to look down.)

Chris: "At the top of this hill, you're expected to let your Slinkys spring down to the bottom of the hill, and at the same time, you have to run after it and get to the bottom before it does, even if it means tumbling over your own two feet. Then, you must use your hands and/or a stick to make the Slinkys go back up a slightly less steep part of the hill, and only slightly less, I must emphasize. Fail at either half of the challenge, and you have to go back to the beginning of that half to try, try again. The first team to finish the challenge, or the team which has the most members able to finish the challenge, wins invincibility for their team. The losing team goes to Chef Hatchet's Toy Auction, where somebody will be the first one voted out of the game. So… what do ya think, happy campers?"

(Everybody looks at the hill and the road.)

DJ: "Oh, s***!"

 **To be continued…**


	2. Slink 'n Stink, Part 2

Chris: "Last time, on Total Drama Playground, we reintroduced a bunch of Total Drama nobodies to the stage of Canada's most loved reality show, as well as some would-be winners from my colleague Don's show, The Ridonculous Race! Mostly, they showed the usual amount of enthusiasm for being on the show, none at all, although some were genuinely pleased to be here. Doubt if that will last long, though! I introduced them to the playground and the gaming rooms, and we got ready to start our first challenge, chasing a Slinky down, and then back up, a road on a steep hill! The impossible? Let's find out right now, on Total… Drama… Playground!"

 **(Theme song plays: Shows hidden cameras popping out everywhere, and Chris McLean selling toys at a counter in a toy store. Owen is seen sitting among numerous presents, opening them eagerly and discovering great toys. Cameron is blown away by a gust of wind and his kite. Samey plays with a stuffed teddy bear, until Amy snatches it from her and tears off parts of it, and Samey cries. Junior wins a game of Twister against DJ and Spud, and Taylor carelessly throws away her favorite doll. Kitty catches the doll and glares at Taylor's back. Duncan frowns at a piece of Play-Doh and throws it. It hits Jay, and he promptly sneezes. Chef Hatchet notices and hands Jay a handkerchief, which is covered in Chef's own mucus. Ellody examines a Pokédex. Sam loses a video game to Lindsay, and Lindsay cheers while Sam cries. Rodney goes hopping around on a pogo stick cheerfully, while Courtney watches with disapproval. Finally, Beth and Zoey are shown sitting on a couch, hosting the Total Drama Playground Aftermath show and enjoying quality time with Mr. Whiskers (Beth's animal friend from Total Drama Action). The camera pans back to reveal the campers, plus some non-participating contestants, sitting nearby and whistling, as the title of Total Drama Playground is shown.)**

* * *

 **Episode 1: Slink 'n Stink, Part 2**

Chris: "So, then, let's start with… the Raving Gamers, shall we? Come on, lamer gamers! Show us what you're made of!" (Grins)

 **CONFESSIONAL**

Ellody: "All right, I was thinking, like, this is not geometrically possible, making a Slinky go up a slope. I'll have to measure my inner data very precisely on this one!"

 **ANOTHER CONFESSIONAL**

Duncan: "What does Chris think I am?! A toddler? This is the lamest, most stupid idea he's ever dreamed up! There's no way I'll get through a season appropriate for babies!"

 **ANOTHER CONFESSIONAL**

Jay: "I'm relieved to say, I'm not allergic to Slinkys, but that hill looks pretty rough. It's at times like this, that I wish I had a helmet, like Mickey!" (Looks very nervous.)

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

Chris: "Everybody, put your Slinky into position. There are sticks at the bottom of the hill to assist you with pushing the Slinkys back up the hill. And remember, you must all try your best to pass this challenge, because even one failure, or chicken, (clucks), means the opposing team has a chance to beat you to the win, and a reward!"

Taylor: "Um, how do you expect us to use a stick to push a Slinky uphill, Mr. Know-It-All?"

Chris: (Chortles) "It's really, really hard! Now, on the count of three, you all start to slink your way down, and then back up, the hill. Ready?"

Ellody: "Well, no time like the present, I guess."

Chris: "Good. One… two… three!"

(Each Raving Gamer releases their Slinky, and it starts springing down the hill at speed. The campers give chase. Rodney is first to trip over his own feet as he chases after his Slinky, tumbling and rolling to the bottom of the hill in a heap. Ellody, Kitty and a grumbling Taylor maintain better balance on their way down. Amy shuffles down, but gives Samey a mocking look from below, showing that she's good at this challenge. Cameron and Spud run like heck to keep up, given their out-of-shape bodies. Sam tries to keep pace with his Slinky, but slips and falls. Unfortunately, he rolls over his Slinky and disrupts its elegant descent down the hill.)

Chris: "Ooh! You interfered with your Slinky's descent, Sam! That means you have to come back up with your Slinky and try again!"

Sam: "Aw, nuts!" (He picks up his Slinky and runs back up the hill.)

(As he reaches the top, everyone notices that Duncan hasn't moved an inch, and neither has his Slinky.)

Chris: "Something wrong, Duncan?"

Duncan: "Something wrong!? You bet something's wrong. I'm a punk kid who went to juvie. I don't play with Slinkys anymore! I have an image to maintain here!"

Chris: "Hmm, very well, then. Unfortunately, that makes you a chicken! And it also means that your team is down one point when it comes to completing the challenge." (Puts a chicken hat on Duncan's head.)

Duncan: "Hello, Chris? Are you deaf? I said, I have an image to maintain!"

Chris: (Clucks again)

(Meanwhile, almost all the others successfully make it down the hill before their Slinkys. Sam runs more carefully than before so as not to repeat his last mistake.)

Cameron: "Well, that was the easy part. Next comes the hard part!" (He picks up a stick and tries to nudge his Slinky into going upwards. He fails.)

(Others try it, too, and still, nobody gets it. Try after try after try, and failure after failure after failure.)

Taylor: "How the heck are we supposed to do this?" (Growls)

Chris: "Like I said, it's really hard! But don't worry, I have all day to wait for you, although my patience will start to run thin at sundown."

Amy: (Grumbles) "You ask the impossible!"

Ellody: "Wait! I think I just figured out a trick that might work!"

(The other Raving Gamers gang up on her.)

Ellody: "You put both ends down on the ground first, then you put the stick inside the nearer end of the coils at exactly this length, like so, and then you push upwards while flicking the stick towards yourself so that it slips out of the coils and doesn't get caught and disrupt the ascent."

Rodney: "Ellody, you're a l-l-life saver!"

Ellody: "Yeah, many people say that to me." (Smiles) "You got it too, Sam?"

Sam: (Almost down the hill) "I got it, Ellody. Thanks!"

Kitty: "Yay! Let's getting slinkin'!"

(The Gamers start manipulating their Slinkys the way Ellody showed them too, in order to make them go up. Ellody understands her method the best and moves the fastest and most efficiently. Some of the others take a little trial and error to master Ellody's strategy, but in the end, everybody made it up the hill, with Ellody making it first, and Sam making it last."

Chris: "Well done, Raving Gamers! Looks like every one of you passed this challenge, except for Duncan the chicken!"

Duncan: (Glares at his teammates) "Don't even think about commenting or laughing!"

(The others look nervously at him.)

Chris: "And now, it's the turn of the Drama Queens! All of you, take the Raving Gamers' place, and bring your Slinkys!"

(The Drama Queens do as told.)

Junior: "Cool! We're gonna be racin' Slinkys on a street!"

Chris: "It's not exactly a race, Junior, it's more of an outplay challenge. But it's good to see somebody has enthusiasm for this game."

Owen: "Oh, I've got lots of enthusiasm, Chris! I've got more enthusiasm than I know what to do with!" (Farts) "Oops! Sometimes getting excited makes me break wind, too."

Samey: "Pee you!" (Holds her nose, not used to Owen's stench)

Chris: "Anywho, let's get movin'! Time's a-wastin'!"

(The Drama Queens ready their Slinkys.)

 **CONFESSIONAL**

Courtney: "I never asked for 'family fun time' when I signed up for yet another season of this blasted show!"

 **ANOTHER CONFESSIONAL**

Jay: (Shivers) "That hill looks even steeper up close! Tell Mom and Mickey I love them!"

 **ANOTHER CONFESSIONAL**

Lindsay: "All right, how am I supposed to keep my hair clean while rolling down a dirt road?"

Taylor: (From outside) "It's a paved road, airhead!"

Lindsay: (Pauses a second) "Like I said, how can I save my hair?"

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

Chris: "One… two… three!"

(The Slinkys are released. Every team member immediately gives chase. Junior, Samey, DJ, Courtney, and Zoey all keep up a fair pace. Owen rolls up into a great big ball, and barrels down the hill. Beth runs fast, yelling with spirit, until she trips on a rock and bounces down the hill, nonetheless reaching the bottom before her Slinky.)

Beth: "Ooh, that was nast'!"

(Jay runs with timidity, not sure if he wants to risk slipping and falling, like some of the others. Lindsay runs awkwardly in her cowgirl boots, and slips, rolling down the hill ahead of her Slinky and getting her hair dirty.)

Lindsay: "My hair!"

(Soon enough, most of the team members make it to the bottom, but Jay is lagging far, far behind. Inevitably, his Slinky outruns him, and he arrives at the bottom a good ten seconds after it.)

Chris: "Looks like you failed to outrun or outroll your Slinky, Jay! Come on! Gotta come back up with it, and try again!"

Jay: "Oh, geez! How many times do I have to go through this?"

DJ: "I don't suppose anybody witnessed the trick to doing the second half Ellody showed her team?"

Zoey: "I did. While I'm not nearly as good as her at calculations, I don't think we need them to do this."

Samey: "Good, 'cause I just don't have the head for algebra, or whatever."

Amy: (Shouts down from above) "That's for sure, sis!"

Samey: (Shouts back) "Well, neither do you, sis!"

Chris: (Glances at Jay, then notices another potential "chicken") "Courtney, don't tell me you have an aversion to Slinkys, too!"

Courtney: "I have an aversion to challenges that make me look silly. I still intend to run for office someday, and you've already made me do enough ludicrous things as it is!"

Chris: "Very well, then. (Puts chicken hat on her head) Looks like we have another chicken. (Clucks) But technically, Courtney, part of it is your own fault, for being so damned determined to win at all costs, not to mention slicing my budget in half many times with your cutthroat lawyers!"

Duncan: "Hey, Courtney! Looks like we have something in common now, don't we?"

Courtney: "Shut up, Duncan!"

Junior: "Are Courtney's actions gonna cost us the challenge?"

Zoey: (Sighs) "They might, Junior. The rest of us need to keep doing the best job we can, if we're going to make a tie and stand a chance of winning a tie-breaker!"

Chris: "Hey, down there! Are you gonna slink your way back up here, or are you just gonna stand down there and chatter like monkeys?"

DJ: "He's right. Let's get moving, guys!"

Beth: "He may be right, but he ain't good!"

(They all manage to get their Slinkys moving, eventually. Owen takes some extra trial and error, as he keeps farting every time he bends over to move the Slinky. Jay is still trying to get down the hill ahead of his Slinky.)

Junior: (Moves the fastest of the Drama Queens) "Yeah! Woo hoo! I made it!" (Reaches the top first.)

Chris: "Excellent job, Junior. Now, where are the rest of my lazybones?"

(Jay fails to beat his Slinky to the bottom again and has to come back up again. Zoey makes it back up next, followed by DJ, Beth, and Samey. Owen comes up soon, too, though a little more awkwardly, and with the distinct aroma of a dirty bathroom around him. The others put their hands over their faces.)

Chris: "Eeewwww! Haven't lost that fantastic flatulence, have you, Owen?"

Owen: (Chuckles) "What can I say, man? When I hold it in, I get all sweaty and-"

Chris: "No more! For once, I sympathize with the other contestants. No more details."

Owen: "Oh. Sorry."

DJ: "Nicest thing he's ever said."

(Lindsay comes up next, muttering about how she needs a full and thorough head and scalp wash after the dirt of the challenge. But Jay is still trying, and still failing, to complete the first half of the challenge.)

Zoey: "Come on, Jay! Don't give up! You can do it!"

Junior: "Yeah, Jay! Show some team spirit! We're all in this together!"

Jay: "I don't know, guys. I've tried this so many times, and I still can't get brave enough to run around the Slinky!"

Taylor: "That's right. Be a little baby, and let your team down."

Zoey: "Be quiet, Taylor! You're not even on our team!"

Samey: "Yeah, leave poor Jay alone!"

Taylor: (Ignores Zoey and Samey) "You might as well face it, Jay; you're never going to pass this one. So why don't you just save us all the trouble of putting up with waiting on you even more, and then waiting on a stupid tie-breaker?"

Ellody: "All right, that's enough, spoiled rich girl!"

Courtney: "I agree with Taylor on this one. This is a dumb challenge."

Jay: (Hesitates and does push-ups with his forefingers) "I can't do it. I give up!"

Chris: (Puts a chicken hat on Jay's head) "Today's challenge is over. The winners are the Raving Gamers!"

(The Drama Queens frown at each other, and at Taylor. The Raving Gamers cheer and celebrate. Duncan tosses aside his chicken hat.)

Chris: "Up, up, up! Not so fast, Duncan! (Puts the chicken hat back on his head) Your team does win, but until bedtime, you still have to wear this hat, to remind your team that you were its one and only failure." (Chortles)

Duncan: (Growls) "This really bites!"

Chris: "And, I promised a reward to the winners: Four hours of playing free arcade games in the nearby arcade this afternoon; mostly classics like PAC-MAN, Missile Command and Donkey Kong, but also some more recent games, like the original Street Fighter, Gauntlet: Dark Legacy, and of course, Total Drama World Tour's Drop of Shame! And finally, because Ellody led the pack to victory, she gets dibs on the first game!"

(Cheers erupt from the Gamers again, especially from Sam.)

Sam: "Let the games begin!"

Duncan: "It's about time we got to do something I like better. I'm gonna smash all of your high scores, guys!"

Chris: "That's not exactly true, Duncan. In your case, not only did you chicken out, but you did so without even trying once. So I'm afraid you're the only Gamer who will go with an un-sated trigger finger for this reward. You will stay here, with Chef, and the losers."

Chef: (Grins and waves from a window in one of the buildings.)

Duncan: (Through clenched teeth) "You're not serious, are you!? The challenge was LUDICROUS!" (Grabs Chris by the shirtfront and glowers at him)

Chris: (Fearfully) "Which is why… I'll make an exception in this case."

Duncan: (Grins) "That's more like it."

Chef: (Sighs and holds up his head)

Chris: "As for the losing team, the Queens, spent the afternoon deciding who to vote off first, then meet me at Chef Hatchet's Toy Auction, for plenty of excitement."

Chris: "But first, let's see what Chef has whipped up to whet your appetites." (Snickers)

Everyone: (Sighs)

* * *

(Later, in the cafeteria, Chef whips up some semi-original slop for his unenthusiastic "soldiers.")

Chef: "Your latest meal consists of tofu eggs, soy milk, and a cool glass of turnip juice!"

Everyone: "Ewww!"

Jay: "At least the milk is soy! Have I mentioned before that I'm lactose intolerant?"

Chef: (Narrows his eyes) "So I've heard."

Rodney: "I'd love to have a little of everything from the four basic food groups."

Ellody: "I don't like this. It's almost like the food is alive, which shouldn't be logically-"

Chef: (Slams a hammer down on Ellody's food. Ellody's glasses take part of the blast.)

Ellody: "Um, good having you around in a tight spot, Chef Hatchet!"

Chef: (Snorts)

Owen: "I don't enjoy talking about this, because I like everybody here, but who should we eliminate tonight?"

Courtney: "Well, as we all know, little Jay is wearing a chicken hat right now, and based on adversity being part of his whole life, I'm willing to bet he won't be of much use in the future."

Jay: "Me? But… you're wearing a chicken hat, too. And at least I gave the challenge a try, before I gave up. You wouldn't even try it at all!"

Courtney: "True, but these people need me. I was a Counselor-in-"

Lindsay: "Oh, come on, Christina! We're all getting tired of the same old C.I.T. routine."

Junior: "Um, Courtney's repeated this sort of thing before?"

Zoey: "Many times, from what I've heard."

Lindsay: "Yeah! And I say we vote off… Samey!" (Points at Samey)

Spud: "Why is that, Linds'?"

Lindsay: "Because… She's so pretty, and she's hogging my light, as Chris would put it!"

Spud: "Wow, girl, you've got issues!"

Samey: "How can I be prettier than you, Drama Queen?! I'm just a humble cheerleader. Find someone else to pick on!"

Courtney: "Yeah, your reasoning is really dumb, Lindsay. Eliminating somebody for her looks; that's silly! You don't hear me complaining about my looks, do you?"

Lindsay: "Well, no, but you're not me, and I'm not you. We all have our own individual lives to lead… Is that how it's said?"

DJ: "I think it is, Lindsay."

Lindsay: "Oh, good!"

Junior: "I've had enough of elementary school food, especially food that's so poorly prepared. I'm gonna find something else to do."

Owen: "I haven't had enough of the food. Keep the sweet grub coming, Chef!" (He belches.)

Chef: (To himself) "Corpulent swine!"

(A squeak suddenly comes from where Beth was sitting. They look over and see Beth trying to keep a familiar-looking raccoon under control.)

Owen: "Hey! Beth brought along Mr. Whiskers!"

Beth: "Oh, yeah. I smuggled him into the camp by hiding him under my clothes in my bag. Oh, don't worry. I've convinced him never to shred my clothes, or my bag."

DJ: "You brought vermin to the show?! I love animals, Beth, but do you have any idea how much everybody's going to resent an independent raccoon running around our trailers, eating our food, tearing up our firewood, and scratching at the trailers' walls while we're trying to get some sleep?"

Beth: "Oh, come on! Mr. Whiskers is a civilized raccoon, not vermin! I promise, I'll keep him under control. He'll even look after anybody who can't handle the sound of things going bump in the night, like me."

Samey: (Snatches Mr. Whiskers) "I beg to differ, farm girl. Raccoons CAN'T protect people from prowlers. You're thinking of dogs!"

Beth: "Well, that is a good point. Can I please have Mr. Whiskers back?"

Samey: (Hands the raccoon back) "Be my guest, weirdo."

Junior: "Ah, come on guys, Beth isn't so bad. At least, she's probably had Mr. Whiskers cleaned and treated for fleas, ticks, and other parasites, like people should do with dogs and cats."

Beth: "Oh, yeah, I've been meaning to do that, but it keeps slipping my mind."

* * *

That night, at the Chef Hatchet's Toy Auction, the campers sit on chairs facing a podium, uneasily waiting for what Chris has in store for them. Beth is holding Mr. Whiskers on her lap.

Owen: (To Beth) "Man, even I know that pets should always be treated for parasites ASAP!"

Chris: (Stands behind the podium, holding a tray full of candy) "Campers, as you know, candy is something that children who play with toys enjoy eating. As you also might have guessed, candy represents your life in the game. When I call your name, come and get a piece of chocolate candy. The camper who does not receive a piece of chocolate candy must take a trip through our latest mode of shameful transportation:"

(A number of very large trash bags are revealed, as well as what could only be a garbage truck.)

Chris: (Grins) "The Trash Bags of Shame, and the Garbage Truck of Losers!"

Everyone: (Shudders)

Chris: "And of course, you can't come back. Ev-er!"

Courtney: "I've heard that one before, and you were evidently lying when you said it. You even admitted you were lying."

Chris: (Smiling) "Shhh! Hush! Let's get on with the auction! Owen, Samey, Lindsay, Junior, Zoey, DJ, Courtney…"

(Each named contestant gets his/her piece of candy.)

Chris: "Jay, Beth, it looks like it's down to you two. The final piece of candy of the night goes to…"

(Jay and Beth tremble…)

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Chris: "Jay!"

(Jay gratefully gets his candy. Beth looks very surprised.)

Beth: "What did I do?"

Samey: "The answer is sitting in your lap."

Chris: "Can't say I'm sorry. House trained or not, that raccoon could have torn apart all my precious toys, and brought an unnecessary cancelation to this season. Now, follow me to the Trash Bags of Shame! And bring your friend with you!"

(Beth reluctantly, and despondently, follows Chris to the Trash Bags. Chef is there, too. He grabs Beth and stuffs her into one of the bags, ties it shut, and unceremoniously tosses her into the back of the Garbage Truck. Then he gets in the driver's seat and hauls her away.)

Beth: (Muffled) "No hard feelings, guys."

Chris: (Returns to the other campers) "That's it for tonight. Sleep tight, and let the bed bugs bite!"

Courtney: "It's supposed to be, 'Don't let the bed bugs bite!'"

Chris: (Gives crooked grin) "I know. But I like my variation better." (Walks away)

 **CONFESSIONAL**

Junior: "Boy, it reeks in here! Well, this game looks like it's going to be a little tougher than I thought. Chris is one hard-hitting man. But since I'm here, and since I signed up for it, I still intend to win, and I will win. These older kids are so bashful with toys, they won't last five days with their sanity intact!" (Chuckles)

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**


End file.
